Start Your Own Cult! It'll be Fun!

Cults are a bad word aren't they? Not in the same way c*nt is or f*ck. It's a bad word that conjures the most dangerous and scary images. Jonestown. Those weird asteroid people. David Karesh. Chopping your balls off. Ooo Ooo and the Thugee cult from the Indiana Jones Temple of Doom movie! All these images come to peoples minds when they think of a cult, but this wasn't the way cults have always been. Originally it was a term for a group who practiced rituals and later groups whose practices or beliefs were considered strange (Wiki) and I think we need to go back to THAT meaning. My solution? Encourage people to start their own cults, and I being the master of strategy of this movement will set down some guidelines for these cult to maintain a good image and so we don't slip into castration and arsenic KoolAid. Alright? Great! Here we go.

1. Every cult needs a leader and who better to lead your cult then you. But don't let it go to your head, while you maybe the leader you are not god and you have to remember that if you want to have fun.

2. No cult may exceed 20 members, and this is a damn high mark but maybe you're a popular guy/gal so I'll indulge you. But once you get more that 20 you have to break up part of it and encourage your people to pursue different cults or to start their own.

3. No members of any cult will be made to pay. This isn't Scientology. This isn't the Lions Club. This is more like a study group that doesn't study anything. What you bring to the cult is exactly what you will take from it.

4. There is no God as far as the cult is concerned. Does that mean you personally can't believe in god? No. Of course not, different strokes for different folks, but you do not bring religion into your cult. religion will poison and misshapen your sweet and innocent cult. Just look at David Karesh and Rev. Jim Jones and Warren Jeffs. See religion is no good for cults. If religion is brought up you will be politely asked to leave the cult.

5. There should be some kind of dress that sets you apart from other people. You're special why shouldn't you be set apart. I would suggest a robe, for comfort, but whatever best suits you but everybody should be alike in dress. This apparel does not have to be worn constantly just whenever you have a "meeting" or whenever you feel like wearing it *It's a great conversation starter

6. No cult shall have sinister ulterior motives. The cult is first and foremost a group to be with people who share like thoughts however wacky they may be, which brings me to

7. Every cult must have something completely wacky and senseless as their beacon of thought i.e. The Cult of Bare Feet, The Cult of the Magic 8 Ball (hands off lads this ones mine), the Cult of 1/2 and 1/2, The Cult of the Sacred Glowing Orb (Lightbulb), etc. It has to be something pretty odd. No remember these objects aren't god, although they maybe sacred, they should never be worshipped or killed over. in the end they are just objects and ideas and that is the dumbest thing to fight over.

Now remember all major religions started as a cult and they let it go to their head. So if someone doesn't believe in your cult that does not give you the right to kill them or force them into your beliefs. I believe we can take the word "cult" back from the religious wackos. So get out there and get busy.

For further reading look into Bokononism

The Reflection of American Male Sexuality in the Popeye Cartoons

One of the first images I remember seeing as a kid was a Popeye cartoon. It was an old "Aladdin and His Wonderful Lamp," I was a huge fan of Popeye and I still am. Whenever I catch the show (usually on the Boomerang Network) I'll watch it eagerly even if its a show I've watched several times. When I started living with my now wife we would watch it together. She wasn't a big fan but became one as we watched it. While watching it with her one day, we made some observations that were quite new to me even though I had watched the show literally my whole life. One is why were Bluto and Popeye always fighting over Olive Oyl who was clearly not an extremely attractive woman? I answered with the fact that in a number of the shows, Popeye and Bluto were both sailors on the same ship on shore leave. Now everyone knows the promiscuity of sailors. It's a very widely accepted thing that sailor will fuck just about anything that hoves into their field of visions with a pussy and that is rightly so. Unless you're gay, or asexual, the situation of being on a small cramped boat with a hundred men seems stifling. So it makes sense that the two men would jump ship and look for some strange and the fact that they both fight over Olive Oyl further shows that men without women for a long time will throw themselves at anything, including a flat chested chick with big feet and a shrill voice. Popeye and Bluto are literally willing to kill themselves and each other in order to "get with" this very plain woman. Which is a powerful statement on the relationship between men and women. What power women have over men in a psychosexual sense. That brings me to the other valid point which is why is Olive Oyl such a fickle bitch? She easily, and with no remorse, jumps from one sailor to the other. Which means she's either dumb or a whore. In the span of a short cartoon she's hops from Popeye to Bluto back to Popeye then to Bluto and in the finale back with Popeye (a.k.a. the winner). She teases these men and plays them against each other constantly and laughs and plays the innocent snarking maiden in the tower. Is this a statement on women? I know that the cartoon was made in the past, when everyone was a lot more chauvinistic but all jokes have a basis in reality, so does this mean that women love to play men against each other to see who will get her trim? Certainly some women do. This, if taken at face value, would cast a dark shadow on Olive Oyl as a manipulative bitch and how women will use their sexuality for power, and how they make men run through the tricks to allow them to "be with them". Which leads to one of the final points it raises. How men express their manliness with exhibitions of extreme violence and projected humiliation. The two men spend the majority of the show kicking the shit out of each other in hilarious but extremely violent ways to please Olive which inevitable ends with Popeye swallowing some spinach and beating the shit out of Bluto, but it doesn't stop there does it? No you have to humiliate your opponent, to make sure that he doesn't forget that this is YOUR girl and that you should keep your damn distance. It's not enough to trump your enemy, you have to kick a little dirt in their face when they're down if you really want the girl to love you and stay with you. This is indeed a grim lesson to teach children. Solve your problems with violence, and in the end only the winner will be allowed to mate with the woman. And we thought we were being so progressive and brave.

Reality TV IIIISSS People!

Hey there! O did you come to hear me bitch some more? Great! I won't let you down. The subject now my dearies is Reality TV. Now many people have written on the subject including me and dammit I was one of the first ones! I I've hated reality TV since its initial onset and I wrote while still in high school on my hatred of it. It started simply enough and at the onset it was glorious. COPS was and still is hilarious, because you get to see stupid people get in TROUBLE for being stupid as opposed to getting money for it. Then I think the next one was The Real World on MTV. Now again the novelty of this was short lived. Of course people are gonna have fun when you give them a super sweet place to live and a complete jerk off of a job. when they can drink and party all the time. That's really not the "real world" is it though, but I guess nobody wants to watch people working two jobs and then falling asleep while masturbating due to exhaustion. I guess THAT'S not good TV. Shit I'd watch that. Some kind of flood gate opened in the mid to late 90s and it hasn't shut the fuck off. There's literally too goddamn many for me to mention and I really don't want to remember that Americans were/are that stupid. So instead I'm just gonna mention some few that piss me off. The two that are ahead of the group are "16 and pregnant" and "Deal or No Deal". "16 and pregnant" is a show where producers find bitches young enough and dumb enough to let some sweaty high school boy crawl onto of them, jam their unprotected members into them and then get bewildered when they end up pregnant. It (just like many other shows) is just showing people how stupid other people are and I suppose that could provide some help. You could point to the television and ask your kids, "You wanna look like that stupid bitch?" and with any luck get them to at least wear protection when they defy you. "Deal or No Deal" is an infestation. It's all over the planet literally look it up, it's in every major country on the globe. This is terrifying to me because this is THE dumbest show. It should be called "The Greediest People on Earth" because that's what it ends up being. These people get reasonable offers after knocking off a few cases but instead they just keep chasing the fucking dragon hoping to get more money. Everytime I watch I think to myself and laugh, cause my ass would take the first offer they give you. It's always more money than I need to get me out of debt and that's all I really want right now. I would just take the first offer they gave me and then they would get pissed and I'd have money and be on my way back home. It's so funny when the price shoots down and you see the absolute misery in their faces. That's MY favorite part of the show. These people, like many of the other people they find to be on the reality shows, are terrible terrible people and it's not healthy that we put a camera on these people and don't punch them in the face. Some shows have gotten cancelled which is good but not good enough. "Temptation Island" was shut down, probably because it was the worst show ever. If you never heard about it they took these newly married couples and put them on an exotic island with a bunch of hot singles to see if they would cheat on their new spouses. Terrible. Of course there's more out there and there's two stations that are just polluting the television waves with their shitty programming. Those two are Bravo and VH1, these two channels are overloaded with shitty reality television shows. From retarded celebrity dating shows to gays teaching straight people how to look better than what they do. That's right the same old tune of "We're-tired-of-you-looking-like-you-do-so-please-change-who-you-are" kinda thing. There's too much these days which is why I mainly stick to cartoons and insanely weird programs. The further from reality the better. Hell I have enough reality in my life, I need some talking dogs solving crime. I need some vampire ghost rising out of the grave to charm people. I need severe unreality.

We'll Change the World...Tommorow

Hello Internet fiends, I'm writing today to talk about laziness and the fact that it's running rampant in the United States of America. I limit it to America because I live here and I am able to see it. Other counties may be lazy too. But word on the street is that we're numero uno in the lax department. And by no means is this a judgemental essay (is it really an essay) I count myself in a heavy hitter in the lazy category, this is merely an exploration piece and maybe informative as well. I think there's two kinds of lazy. Good Lazy and Bad Lazy. Good Lazy is a variant of procrastination, you're really not hurting anybody with your laziness. Take me for example, most days I like to stay home and watch Netflix or listen to music. I don't like to leave the house most days. I use the excuse that I'm saving money but really I just don't want to go anywhere. Or my eating habits is another good example. I really don't want to have to work at eating complicated food. I like bite sized portions that are easy to chew and swallow. If I get something complicated chances are I won't eat it. But enough about me, there's lotsa people who are lazy in a good way and then there are people who are lazy in the bad way. And before I go down this road I want to get something out. Something that was gonna be the basis of the whole essay (There he goes using that word again) and to make sure it gets noticed I think I'll but some kind of thing around it --------THE OLDER GENERATION LIKE TO CALL THE YOUNGER GENERATION (TEENAGERS AND 20 SOMETHINGS) A LAZY GENERATION WHEN THEY THEMSELVES ARE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO US ON THE BANDWAGON----------- Okay now that I've said that I can move on, I kinda hate writing in caps it always looks like I'm shouting but I might as well, I hate to hear people talk about how "kids" are lazy these days when I see a lot of hypocrisy around me. Walk into any Wal-mart and see how many old bastards and fat ass trailer park bitches are wheelin around the store in those carts. If they're fat ask them if they have a problem with their legs, if they're an old man ask him if his grandfather used a damn scooter to get around. Then they'll probably bitch you about something so just tune them out, this is people making excuses. Her legs are bad because they are tired of holding up her fatass, the old man is using the cart cause the stores too big for him to get around with his cane. Suggest to the old man to go to a smaller store. He won't because it's cheaper at Wal-mart plus it's all in one spot and he doesn't have to go all over town. See! He's lazy. Everyone's lazy these days. It's not just a generational thing, it's a nationwide thing. It's not our fault every thing's so hard it's the system's so they bend over backward to make things easier for you but ya still bitch dontcha. So we'll never learn and it's just gonna keep getting worse or better however you wanna look at it. You remember the movie Wall-E and the people on the ship? That's probably the most accurate account of what will happen to the movie. So unless we can build a charming robot to save us all we're gonna end up a peach toned Jabba the Hut floating around on a hoverchair bitching about everything that doesn't work out just right. Shit that ended up kinda preachy, but please don't take it too hard like I previously stated I am painfully lazy. Goodbye gentle sloths

Santa Cause

In honor of the upcoming holiday season I thought I would sit down and get out my many varied thoughts on the subject. I KNOW! Aren't you excited. For the past couple of years, being in the employee of Wal-Mart, the Christmas Season has been completely ruined for me. When I was a kid, as for many of us, Christmastime was literally the greatest time of the year. You got off from school a long time, you got a shitton of really great food, and you got fuckin presents. Who doesn't like getting free shit?! I was so dedicated to the magic of Christmas that nothing could blind me, then Wal-Mart sucked that magic right outta me. But what can ya do, sit here and bitch? That doesn't do any good, but I can say that out of the direct ray of the dangerous level of commercialization that has become Christmas I think this year I may be able to enjoy it once again. Now there's also a few other factors that have jaded my seasonal spirit. One is that for the past couple of years it's been balmy as fuck in Texas till about the first week of December and I'm sorry but Summer and Fall's retarded son doesn't do it for me. I want cold, and not windy cold which all we seem to get in North Texas (Winter 09 excluded). One of the primary reasons when I was a young adult was that the image of Santa Claus had been destroyed. It's an inevitable thing, a young person realizing that he's been lied to about Santa Claus, and for some it comes a lot later than others. For me I suppose it would either have been sixth or seventh grade. Pretty late I know, but I so firmly believed in Santa that it was insane. I remember defending him to kids at school who said he wasn't real. Looking back I can firmly state that I believed more in Santa Claus than I ever did in Jesus or God. Here was a ethereal being who literally showed proof of his existence every single year to everyone who believed in him. An actual factual working miracle. And not those bullshit miracles like a sunset or a baby. A real unexplainable manifestation of his awesome power. And he brought gifts like bikes and Batman toys not the gift of salvation which you can't even enjoy till you're dead (BORING). So naturally I was crushed when I found out, but I didn't make it apparent I just kept on pretending like nothing happened. And....and...shit I forgot where this was going. I think it was something about the Christmas Season, which I plan to enjoy. But douche nozzles make it hard. I have this image in my mind, like a number of people I guess, of a snowy morning in some random town of a big two story house with a big family drinking hot cocoa and having huge breakfasts. And I suppose that it is just a wild and, albeit, remarkable gay dream on paper but it's something.