Heavy. It seems that life never seems to work out for my sister and I. I am currently not enrolled at MSU, I have not been for two semesters now. Am I happy with that decision? Yes. I was not taking my school very seriously and I needed time to get serious about it and then I would go back. I do plan on going back but not because I want to, far from it, it is because I have invested too much time to not finish. I HATE COLLEGE. Always have and I am damned sure that I always will. It was not enjoyable to me at any time. The people I met were enjoyable but the situation itself was always highly unpleasant. And I have come to find out that that is the same way my sister feels. (Perhaps it's a blood thing) She is frustrated with college and for the first time I am able to meet eye to eye with someone who is going through the same shit. Neither one of us is very motivated (Blood thing?) and I like talking to her because we both see where the other is coming from our thoughts drift from dark to unstable but we always recover. She is fessing up to her beliefs I am still in the corner. I have not told my family I stopped going to college because I mean seriously who the hell thinks that's a good idea. I mean if you knew my mother you would understand why that is the worst idea. She seems to think like most people in America that you need college and a career to be sucessful in life. That would be so if that person knew what they wanted to do with their life. I do not know what I want to do with my life, and for a man 23 close to 24 years of age that is not a very good thing to say. I correct that, I do know what I want to do with my life but I have a very slim chance of being allowed to do it or a understanding family to accept it. I want to make movies. I have since I was very young and saying that in this country is like a girl wanting to be a princess. Stranger things have happened and I could very well become a film maker, but lets be serious until I actually achieve it I will be branded as a nutball with overambitious desires. I was lost until I realized that. Going to school to become an art major when I am not very good at art. I was never good at anything: math, science, economics, english, history. I pursued an art degree as a last ditch effort and much to my dismay found out that I have zero talent for the field. And then there's filmmaking. You can't make a lot of money filmmaking. "Well you could work for different people doing commercials and advertisements for their businesses" Yea and then I could grab a ten gauge and suck it to climax. I don't want to meander through life just doing jack and jill's wedding videos and commercials for Big Pete's House of Munch I want to make something of value. I want to make something that will stand the test of time. I want to make something that people aspire to or some bullshit like that. I don't even know I just want to make people laugh. There! There it is! All I ever wanted to do. I want to make lots of people laugh. I'm good at it. I think. It was always the one thing that I could do that I believed, at a young age, would make people love and accept me. I always knew that I was odd and always thought that I was not desirable as a person. But when I made people laugh it was like I was being embraced by them. Loved by them. That's all I ever wanted to do. And not in a cheeky clown sorta way. I never liked clowns. I just want to be able to look at something with pride and I know that the thing would not be teaching or being a business man or even, dare I say, making art. There are too many people out there to shit on art and my talents and mindset are too fragile for art critics. But to get out there and make people laugh...that's something else. Above all else is laughter. It makes you warmer and happier in the darkest times and to know that you were capable of doing that for someone is just great. I don't want to go back to college but I will. I might. If I could afford it.
You know, Rocky, the scary thing is that people with college degrees don’t always know what they’re doing. And if they’re the ones who are having to pay out their degree, they’re stuck with this huge debt which landed them in a profession they’re unsure of. I cannot tell you how many people I’ve met that were like this. And I myself am only now getting a more formed picture of what I THINK I’d like to do (but still not so sure?). I think there may be something to not going to college until you have a better idea of what it is you want to do. While I don’t regret jumping in straight out of college, I do think that if I had spent some time working first, I would have appreciated college more.
ReplyDeleteI’m convinced that being in your 20s is all about shooting in the dark and hoping something hits close to the target. I tried the business world for three years and in two job functions and two locations, and it missed the mark, but it allowed me to get to a point to where I’m at with this grad program. Is this grad program the mark? Not bulls eye, but it’s closer, and I believe the next step that spawns from this (whether I complete the program or not) will get me even closer to that greatly coveted bulls-eye point.
Do they have a film program at MSU?
~ The Amazing Amazon Ashley of Cook